I don’t want to

I have been struggling lately. My mood has been very down and it hasn’t gone unnoticed. I could feel it coming but was unable to control it. My partner has suggested that I see my doctor and reassess my need for medication.

I know he is just worried and he wants me to be happy. But part of me wants to punch him in the face and scream NO! Thankfully I am still able to control myself enough not to do that.

I know my doctor will happily write me a script and encourage me to get back on the meds. But I really don’t want to. I don’t like what they do to me. I like having emotions, even if my main emotion right now is depressed. I don’t want to go back to being a zombie.

I have been off the medication for about 6 months now. My doctor did say that I should go back and see him about now to see how I was going without them. Up until about the last 2 weeks I had been fine. I want to still be fine. I need to find a way to snap out of this funk and get back to who I had been.

I do not want to start taking medication again!

 

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Slipped

So Saturday I had a slip. I was going to just have a drink or two and of course that ended up with me drinking way more than I should. I felt so bad on Sunday because I had drank that I drank again to make myself feel better….

Yeah cause that always works.

So now I am angry and depressed and I just want to drink again to make myself feel better.

Fuck this stupid cycle.

Left to my own de-vices

My partner is currently away for work for a couple of days and its just me and my 13 yr old at home (he’s on holidays). Being that he is a 13 yr old boy he is either out with his friends, sleeping till noon, or playing xbox.

And that leaves me with the deafening silence and my own thoughts… never a good thing.

I managed to get some things done this morning but only because I rewarded myself with cigarettes. So I now have to start the quitting process over again. I feel so disappointed with myself for smoking again and at the fact that I seem to be exceptionally weak willed.

I am sure I used to be a much stronger person.

Guess that’s another thing I need to work on.

Motivation

I may only be 3 days into sobriety but I am struggling.

I used to wake up, and within 15 mins I would have most of my day planned out and within half hour of that I would have started on the list of things I had in my head. I would use alcohol as a motivational tool most days. Tell myself that once certain jobs where done I could have a drink. Now, without the reward of a nice cold beer, I just cant seem to get anything done.

Today I got up and made my mental list of things that need doing… then I sat down and haven’t gotten back up. Without my little reward system I just don’t seem to care enough that the floors need a vacuum and the window sills need dusting.

I thought briefly that I might bake some cookies once its all done, as a replacement reward, but then I just started thinking about the mess that would make and that I would have to clean that up as well.

I think staying sober is going to be a lot harder than I thought it would be. It goes beyond just not drinking. It seems to be a greater part of my life than even I had recognised.

Perhaps I will just go back to bed.

I think I need a hobby

I think I need a hobby.

People still have those right?

I think I need something that I can dedicate my time to. Something that will keep my hands and my mind busy. The problem is … I don’t really like anything.

I liked drinking, and I was really good at it, but I am told that was not a hobby.

I like music, but not enough to want to make it. I have zero artistic ability in terms of painting or sculpting. I do not like being outside because of the sunlight and my very pale skin, so that rules out gardening or some type of sport. I am a pretty good cook, but I don’t see that as a hobby, its just a way to feed my family.

I don’t really know what is left.

I like to write. But I cant make 50+ blog posts everyday. I started writing a novel once but got bored after about 5 thousand words and just gave up.

What hobby’s / activities do you participate in ? Are they time consuming? Do they require any special skills?

So where to from here?

When I started this blog I had the intent to share my experiences with depression and anxiety, the good days and the bad. I had hoped to gain some kind of understanding of my issues by putting them into words and to maybe help someone else realise that its not just them.

Now I am just lost. Some things have changed for the better, some have stayed the same but along the way I have also come to realise that I have way more problems than I first thought.

I no longer see my therapist. Partly because I moved over an hours drive away but mostly because I hated going. It seemed to just be another thing I wasn’t good at. And now that I see that written down I can see how strange it sounds. I would tell my partner that I didn’t want to go to my appointments because I wasn’t good at it and he would look at me like I was speaking a different language.

My anxiety has gotten better in most cases. I can now go about my day without being crippled by irrational fears. I think moving last year had a lot to do with that. I no longer think my house is going to kill me. But I still have a lot of social anxiety.

As for the depression, it all just depends on the day. Some days I am fine. Some days it’s hard but I can pretend I’m ok. But I still have the days where I just cant get out of bed. I think that is just something I will always have to deal with. I have accepted that as fact.

I have stopped taking the medication! This was a big step for me, and a long process. They never tell you how hard it is to get off the pills when they are prescribing them. It took me almost 6 months to wean myself off them. Even with the gradual reduction, the first 4 days without them was terrible. I couldn’t sleep or eat. I just lay in bed and stared at the celling. I couldn’t focus on anything for more than a few seconds, not even my own thoughts. Someone would ask me if I wanted something to eat and it would take me about 5 minuets to gather my thoughts enough to tell them “no”.

So where to from here?

I have now set myself 2 goals. To quit drinking and quit smoking. I will now share my experiences with these as well as the struggles of living with depression and anxiety.

I just had a cigarette, so that one is not looking so good. But I haven’t had a drink in almost 2 days.

Fingers crossed 🙂

Thoughts

I feel all out of sorts today. Cant seem to keep my thoughts in my head long enough to do anything. Its taken me half an hour just to get anything on the page.

Yesterday I was hungover and laying in bed all day so my thoughts where slower and simpler.

I know what would fix it. But that’s not going to help.

Think I should just go back to bed before I do something I may regret.

The beginning of me

So today I am starting over.

I need to make some changes in my life so that I can be better. A better friend, partner and most of all a better parent. I don’t even recognise the person I have been over the last year or so. I need to find me again.

I have to still be in there somewhere right?

I really hope so. I am hoping that if I take away all the bad habits and vices that I will become a person that I am not ashamed of. A person that others will be happy to call friend. A person that doesn’t need to apologise constantly for the stupid things she does.

So here it is. This is where I start.

First I will stop drinking. I turn into a completely different person when I drink and I really don’t like her. I refer to that person as my evil twin as it seems her sole purpose is to fuck with my life.

I don’t know if I am an alcoholic but I do know that I am definitely in a fast car heading towards that neighbourhood and it scares the shit out of me. I can not just have one or two quiet beers, it always turns into waking up the next day with very little recollection of the night before. That in itself is a terrible feeling, but then the memories start to creep in and that just makes it so much worse. Remembering the things my evil twin did or said. Then remembering that that evil bitch is just me.

It has to stop.

I also am going to quit smoking! I have smoked for a very long time. I like it. I have never been concerned about the health issues that it causes. Even when watching my mother dying of cancer, I still loved smoking.

I have recently finished a course of Champix tablets to help me quit. They work pretty well. I successfully stopped smoking for about a month. But then my evil twin came out and fucked that up too. Today woke up to an almost full packet of cigarettes that I don’t remember buying. I smoked one. Then I did something that shocked even me… I ran them under a tap till they where dripping, then threw them in the bin.

I will not let myself go backwards any more!

My family and friends deserve the best possible version of me. I deserve the best possible version of me!

This is where I start!

Been gone a while.

So I dont even know how long its been since I have even logged in let alone post anything.
Life had seemed better for a while. Not sure if it was better or if I had just been to busy to notice just how unhappy I was becomeing.
Basicly I have always been unhappy, but the last couple of months I just keep falling deeper and deeper.
The last 2 days, though, it seems that I have gone from deeply unhappy to deeply unhappy and angry.
I have been trying to hide my anger from those around me but I just dont think I can anymore. I have had to hide away in my bedroom for most of today.
I am just over it all at the moment. Lets hope it gets easier soon…

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Citizens of Earth! I have a message to bring you!

There is a new threat that we all must face in these uncertain times. I myself have fallen victim to this ever present danger and had my world thrown into turmoil.

We must stand together and help spread the word of caution and vigilance. I know that together we can ensure that others don’t fall victim as well.

This devious deception is nothing but a cheap attempt at turning people towards the wrong choice without it being a conscious decision.

But today, today we shall stand tall, stand proud and say “No!” No to Red Bull Zero! We shall demand it be kept on a different shelf and we will make the Red Bull fridge a friendly and uncomplicated place once more.

So I say to you, citizens of Earth, be aware, be informed and most of all, be cautious when making your morning beverage choice because Red Bull Zero is out there and its only mission is to destroy your day.