So Here’s the Thing…

I don’t know if I am better or worse while medicated. Obviously there are pro’s and con’s to both sides, but the main thing I keep thinking is that I could have really good days when I wasn’t popping pills but the best I can do while dosed up is have an “OK” day.

I know that Lexapro is an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) and I think that means that it stabilizes the chemicals in my brain that control moods so that I don’t feel so depressed. But it also stops me from feeling good. So I am just walking around all day feeling neither happy or sad. I am just stuck in a perpetual state or “meh”.

Before I started taking them I would have days where I would randomly sing and make up silly songs to amuse my son (and myself) and we would do fun things, silly things, new things. Hell I remember a day, while home alone, I sang a 5 minuet song about the lunch I was making. There were a lot of bad times too but I mostly remember the good times.

Now I feel like I am stuck in neutral and I can’t seem to find first gear. Nothing is fun, nothing is exciting, it all just… is.

I am not having as much anxiety or as many panic attacks as I used to, so I guess that’s a good thing. But I don’t really feel as though I am living so I don’t really see the point.

My GP said I shouldn’t drink while on these meds because together it can cause blackouts (and boy does it), but that seems to be the only way I can get my mood up a gear.

I just don’t know ?

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4 responses to “So Here’s the Thing…

  1. That’s how I feel most of the time, like I am simply existing or like I am a robot. My antideps don’t seem to stop the bad feelings at all but definitely dull the positives. Or maybe they just don’t work.

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