Time For a Change

People are always saying things to me like “A change is as good as a holiday” and “The only person who can change your life is you”. I do not agree with the first statement but I know the second to be true.

It makes me mad when people say these things to me because its like they equate my disorders with stupidity. When I hear these words from other people (people who don’t understand my disorders) I just want to scream at them “I know this shit. Do you think I am stupid as well as crazy?” But I know they are right. So I am making an effort to change some things in my life in hopes that I will start to feel better.

Yesterday I got up early and exercised. I haven’t done that in a very long time so it was hard but I did feel a little better afterwards. The thing that holds me back from exercising everyday is that I am afraid of what my son and partner might think or say if they see me doing it. What if they see me exercise everyday and I get no results? So for now I am doing it early in the morning when they are still asleep. Yesterday it was just some quick push-ups and crunches (things like that) but today I took one of our dogs for a walk around the neighborhood. I am not looking to get ripped, just loose some weight and hope to feel a bit better about my self.

I am making a change in my diet as well. This one I cant hide as easily so it scares me quite a bit. Usually I will start my day with two giant cans of Red Bull and a number of cigarettes. Now I am trying to have a piece of toast before I have only one can. I know its not much but I gotta start somewhere.

I have even made an appointment at the hairdresser to have a cut and color. I haven’t done this in almost 10 years. I could never justify spending that much money on myself once I had a child. But money is alright at the moment so I figure why not.

I know these are all just small things but I am hoping they are just the beginning of me reclaiming myself. I hope to build up to the big changes that need to happen. I don’t really have an end goal as I don’t like to set myself up for failure. So I am just going to keep changing things little by little and see where I end up.

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3 responses to “Time For a Change

  1. I find usually when people say things like ‘only you can change’ etc etc they’re trying to be encouraging, i don’t think they realize that not only have we heard this 5 billion times before but it’s common sense, thanks. the one that gets me is ‘smile, it can’t be that bad’ sometimes from complete strangers. Inside I am screaming WHAT, how could you possibly know how bad it is or is not? But then I realize THEY think they’re being kind, they think they’re being helpful, so as annoying as it is, try not to blame them for they don’t know any better. I find exercise helpful but hard to motivate myself to do, I’m also trying to lose a few pounds i gained when i started on saphris. all the best with yours 🙂

  2. I hate it when people patronised me, I know what I need to do to feel better, cope with the depression but it is easier said than done. I have recently started to be more kinder to myself, little things like having my hair done, doing my nails, making more of an effort for me… and I do think it is working!

    • Glad it is working for you 🙂 I am still exercising but I cancelled my hairdresser apt because the anxiety of going got the better of me. I guess I will try again next week.

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