People are always saying things to me like “A change is as good as a holiday” and “The only person who can change your life is you”. I do not agree with the first statement but I know the second to be true.
It makes me mad when people say these things to me because its like they equate my disorders with stupidity. When I hear these words from other people (people who don’t understand my disorders) I just want to scream at them “I know this shit. Do you think I am stupid as well as crazy?” But I know they are right. So I am making an effort to change some things in my life in hopes that I will start to feel better.
Yesterday I got up early and exercised. I haven’t done that in a very long time so it was hard but I did feel a little better afterwards. The thing that holds me back from exercising everyday is that I am afraid of what my son and partner might think or say if they see me doing it. What if they see me exercise everyday and I get no results? So for now I am doing it early in the morning when they are still asleep. Yesterday it was just some quick push-ups and crunches (things like that) but today I took one of our dogs for a walk around the neighborhood. I am not looking to get ripped, just loose some weight and hope to feel a bit better about my self.
I am making a change in my diet as well. This one I cant hide as easily so it scares me quite a bit. Usually I will start my day with two giant cans of Red Bull and a number of cigarettes. Now I am trying to have a piece of toast before I have only one can. I know its not much but I gotta start somewhere.
I have even made an appointment at the hairdresser to have a cut and color. I haven’t done this in almost 10 years. I could never justify spending that much money on myself once I had a child. But money is alright at the moment so I figure why not.
I know these are all just small things but I am hoping they are just the beginning of me reclaiming myself. I hope to build up to the big changes that need to happen. I don’t really have an end goal as I don’t like to set myself up for failure. So I am just going to keep changing things little by little and see where I end up.