Flashbacks

I have been having these flashbacks for a few years now and I am still not even sure if it is something that has happened or just my brain trying to fuck with me. 

I don’t have a lot of memories of being younger but the things that I do remember are fairly normal sort of memories. Watching my mother cry when my grandmother died (8 years old), having my appendix out (10 years old), my brother coming home from the hospital in remission (11 years old) and everything from around age 14 till now. That is basically all the memories I have. 

Then there are the flashbacks. And its always the same thing.

I do not want to say what exactly is happening in them but I am about 13 years old and everything in the flashback looks how I imaging it should for that time period. The wall color, the curtains. But the other persons age doesn’t fit. Like they are to old or I am too young.

I have no idea if it ever happened and its not the kind of thing I can just ask them about. Even if I still spoke to this person I would not be able to just ask “hey did this thing really happen?” 

I have been dealing with these flashbacks for about 6 years and its always the same thing, same room, same person. Everything in full HD, unmistakably the same.

I cant tell anyone about it cause they will either make a huge deal out of it and it would start a lot of shit, or they will just decide I am crazier than they thought I was. I cant talk to my therapist about it cause I cant talk to her about anything. 

When the flashback starts I usually can shake it off fairly quickly and distract myself. But sometimes its too strong or there is nothing to distract me. When this happens I am basically useless for the rest of the day. I replay it in my head over and over trying to find something, anything in the scene that would prove it to be false. 

I need it to be false.

 

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