I have too many thoughts today. I have been trying for the last hour to get just one of them out at a time. Sadly I have had no luck. Everything I write seems to be a giant mess of thoughts and feelings but with nothing to tie them together other than my crazy.
Top of the list of rapidly random brain farts is the never ending list of things I have to do before my sons birthday on Sunday. My partner and I do not celebrate our own birthdays, just out of a lack of interest, but we try to go all out for our son cause you’re only a kid once.
Then there is the ever building pile of bills that, no matter how hard we try, we just can’t seem to get on top of.
I also have my partners family who are so bored in there own lives that they try to cause drama in ours. My partners mother told him the other day that he “never got a paternity test and doesn’t know for sure that the kid is his so he should just bail and enjoy life”. It’s been 12 years and they have been trying to tell him to leave us for that whole time. He knows the boy is his but it still gets under my skin an makes me super fucking angry.
Then there is always my favorite fear that I will have to be “the grown up”. My partner has just recently been switched to night shift. When ever I am the only adult in the house at night my anxiety is tripled. What if something goes wrong and I am the only one here to deal with it? What if I do something wrong and make things worse..? I am 33 years old, I should have a grasp on being a grown up by now but I am so afraid that bad shit is gonna go down that I hardly sleep the nights he is away.
And this is just a taste of the madness in my head today. There are too many things to think about. I can slow it down long enough to obsess on one thing for a minuet or two before they starts skipping madly though my brain again.
It’s times like these that I wish I still smoked weed. I haven’t touched it since I was around 18 or so. Just remembering the way it slowed and turned down the volume of the thought race in my head makes me want to say “fuck it! Lets smoke a bowl”. Maybe if I wasn’t a parent I would but I don’t want to be the “do as I say and not as I do” parent.