So where to from here?

When I started this blog I had the intent to share my experiences with depression and anxiety, the good days and the bad. I had hoped to gain some kind of understanding of my issues by putting them into words and to maybe help someone else realise that its not just them.

Now I am just lost. Some things have changed for the better, some have stayed the same but along the way I have also come to realise that I have way more problems than I first thought.

I no longer see my therapist. Partly because I moved over an hours drive away but mostly because I hated going. It seemed to just be another thing I wasn’t good at. And now that I see that written down I can see how strange it sounds. I would tell my partner that I didn’t want to go to my appointments because I wasn’t good at it and he would look at me like I was speaking a different language.

My anxiety has gotten better in most cases. I can now go about my day without being crippled by irrational fears. I think moving last year had a lot to do with that. I no longer think my house is going to kill me. But I still have a lot of social anxiety.

As for the depression, it all just depends on the day. Some days I am fine. Some days it’s hard but I can pretend I’m ok. But I still have the days where I just cant get out of bed. I think that is just something I will always have to deal with. I have accepted that as fact.

I have stopped taking the medication! This was a big step for me, and a long process. They never tell you how hard it is to get off the pills when they are prescribing them. It took me almost 6 months to wean myself off them. Even with the gradual reduction, the first 4 days without them was terrible. I couldn’t sleep or eat. I just lay in bed and stared at the celling. I couldn’t focus on anything for more than a few seconds, not even my own thoughts. Someone would ask me if I wanted something to eat and it would take me about 5 minuets to gather my thoughts enough to tell them “no”.

So where to from here?

I have now set myself 2 goals. To quit drinking and quit smoking. I will now share my experiences with these as well as the struggles of living with depression and anxiety.

I just had a cigarette, so that one is not looking so good. But I haven’t had a drink in almost 2 days.

Fingers crossed 🙂

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6 responses to “So where to from here?

  1. Thank you for sharing your blog. First of all, I was taken by the statement that you felt some angst with your therapist. It is really hard to find one. I went through many. It is not you. Frankly, I think that peer to peer is far more effective.

    First of all, both parties are on the same plane. The issue of trust is not as large of a problem for many. Many times, the person you are talking to has not been a place that you are in. Henceforth, it has to be difficult. I feel that one has to been there to help someone that is there.

    Secondly, there is something that is special about writing.. By writing, you see what you are writing. That writing is sacred because someone out there could very welll be helped by what you are saying. By doing this and helping others by sharing, you are helping yourself. At least, that is the case for me.

    • I have thought about peer to peer counselling but to be honest I am just not comfortable talking about my issues. I think that’s why I started the blog. I can get out the thoughts and feelings without having to vocalize them or “elaborate”. My therapist was all about asking me to elaborate. Thanks for the comment.

      • Peer to peer is really the same as friend to friend. By writing, you are engaged in it. You do not need to elaborate on anything. This where trust is the problem. It is tough to trust many that call themselves “therapists.”

  2. I’ve been up and down with depression since early teens. I’m 94 days off the booze and am beginning to emerge from my most recent pit. I never even realize I’ve been in the pit until I start to come out. Which seems idiotic. I think the booze had ahold of one of my legs and kept a tight hold no matter the amount of effort I used with the rest of me to climb out. The first month or so my anxiety was fierce. But it’s totally eased off now. And as I said, the depression is beginning to dissipate. Maybe you’ll have a similar experience. Maybe without alcohol, everything will start to be easier. Also, this book: Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, by David Burns. I’m reading it now and it’s astonishing in its simplicity. I wish I’d read it before spending nearly 15 years off and on with various therapists (and various nasty meds). Sorry about the tome. Something about your post spoke to me.

    • Thanks for the comment. I am only on my 3rd day and the anxiety is terrible. I haven’t had an attack for a few months but yesterday I just couldn’t shake it. It came in waves and terrified me. Hoping today will be a better day. So far, so good.

      • I cried while out for walks. Hidden behind my sunglasses. I took long hot showers and cried and wailed in the tub. It passed. But at the time I had no idea what to do with myself. Except tell myself it would pass. Glad day 3 is starting off better. It does get easier. And much, much better. Hang in there. xo

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