I don’t want to

I have been struggling lately. My mood has been very down and it hasn’t gone unnoticed. I could feel it coming but was unable to control it. My partner has suggested that I see my doctor and reassess my need for medication.

I know he is just worried and he wants me to be happy. But part of me wants to punch him in the face and scream NO! Thankfully I am still able to control myself enough not to do that.

I know my doctor will happily write me a script and encourage me to get back on the meds. But I really don’t want to. I don’t like what they do to me. I like having emotions, even if my main emotion right now is depressed. I don’t want to go back to being a zombie.

I have been off the medication for about 6 months now. My doctor did say that I should go back and see him about now to see how I was going without them. Up until about the last 2 weeks I had been fine. I want to still be fine. I need to find a way to snap out of this funk and get back to who I had been.

I do not want to start taking medication again!

 

Slipped

So Saturday I had a slip. I was going to just have a drink or two and of course that ended up with me drinking way more than I should. I felt so bad on Sunday because I had drank that I drank again to make myself feel better….

Yeah cause that always works.

So now I am angry and depressed and I just want to drink again to make myself feel better.

Fuck this stupid cycle.

So where to from here?

When I started this blog I had the intent to share my experiences with depression and anxiety, the good days and the bad. I had hoped to gain some kind of understanding of my issues by putting them into words and to maybe help someone else realise that its not just them.

Now I am just lost. Some things have changed for the better, some have stayed the same but along the way I have also come to realise that I have way more problems than I first thought.

I no longer see my therapist. Partly because I moved over an hours drive away but mostly because I hated going. It seemed to just be another thing I wasn’t good at. And now that I see that written down I can see how strange it sounds. I would tell my partner that I didn’t want to go to my appointments because I wasn’t good at it and he would look at me like I was speaking a different language.

My anxiety has gotten better in most cases. I can now go about my day without being crippled by irrational fears. I think moving last year had a lot to do with that. I no longer think my house is going to kill me. But I still have a lot of social anxiety.

As for the depression, it all just depends on the day. Some days I am fine. Some days it’s hard but I can pretend I’m ok. But I still have the days where I just cant get out of bed. I think that is just something I will always have to deal with. I have accepted that as fact.

I have stopped taking the medication! This was a big step for me, and a long process. They never tell you how hard it is to get off the pills when they are prescribing them. It took me almost 6 months to wean myself off them. Even with the gradual reduction, the first 4 days without them was terrible. I couldn’t sleep or eat. I just lay in bed and stared at the celling. I couldn’t focus on anything for more than a few seconds, not even my own thoughts. Someone would ask me if I wanted something to eat and it would take me about 5 minuets to gather my thoughts enough to tell them “no”.

So where to from here?

I have now set myself 2 goals. To quit drinking and quit smoking. I will now share my experiences with these as well as the struggles of living with depression and anxiety.

I just had a cigarette, so that one is not looking so good. But I haven’t had a drink in almost 2 days.

Fingers crossed 🙂

Thoughts

I feel all out of sorts today. Cant seem to keep my thoughts in my head long enough to do anything. Its taken me half an hour just to get anything on the page.

Yesterday I was hungover and laying in bed all day so my thoughts where slower and simpler.

I know what would fix it. But that’s not going to help.

Think I should just go back to bed before I do something I may regret.

Saturday Night

My friends birthday party. 

Party didn’t start till 7 pm

I, of course, started drinking at noon.

At the party. Everything was fine. People dancing, singing, laughing.

And me… Just sitting there with my drink and the fire pit.

Politely nodding and giving short, one word responses when spoken to.

So it was pretty much what I expected. This is how I am at most social gatherings.

The night lumbered on, more people arrived, some people left

And me… Just sitting there with my drink and the fire pit.

The thoughts started to build and race though my head.

I called a friend, male, platonic, known him forever.

His new girlfriend, of 2 weeks, wouldn’t let me speak to him.

FUCKING BITCH!

Full of rage.

I went to the kitchen.

So many knives.

Tried the first one… not even a scratch.

Picked up another one… same thing.

Note to self : buy friend sharper knives.

Tried another and another.

Small cut, didn’t even need a band aid.

Defeated.

Refilled my drink

Headed back to the fire pit.

Not Doing Well

The last couple of days have been hard. I have been trying to get on with things and not dwell on the bad thoughts and feelings, but yesterday I could hardly even get out of bed. I got up and started to get on with my day but I was only out of bed for about 15 mins before it was just to hard and I had to go back to bed and stayed there all day.

I tried watching TV but just ended up starring blankly and I couldn’t tell you what was on. I tried to read, but after reading the same page 4 times and still not having a clue what it said I just layed down and closed my eyes. I didn’t sleep. I just lay there and that was fine with me.

Occasionally I would have a mini flashback type deal and I would have to shake that off before I got filled with rage or burst into tears. ( I will touch more on the flashbacks in future posts)

I am still really down today but have forced myself out of bed. I don’t know what, if anything, has bought this on but I wish someone would kill it with fire already.