Left to my own de-vices

My partner is currently away for work for a couple of days and its just me and my 13 yr old at home (he’s on holidays). Being that he is a 13 yr old boy he is either out with his friends, sleeping till noon, or playing xbox.

And that leaves me with the deafening silence and my own thoughts… never a good thing.

I managed to get some things done this morning but only because I rewarded myself with cigarettes. So I now have to start the quitting process over again. I feel so disappointed with myself for smoking again and at the fact that I seem to be exceptionally weak willed.

I am sure I used to be a much stronger person.

Guess that’s another thing I need to work on.

Motivation

I may only be 3 days into sobriety but I am struggling.

I used to wake up, and within 15 mins I would have most of my day planned out and within half hour of that I would have started on the list of things I had in my head. I would use alcohol as a motivational tool most days. Tell myself that once certain jobs where done I could have a drink. Now, without the reward of a nice cold beer, I just cant seem to get anything done.

Today I got up and made my mental list of things that need doing… then I sat down and haven’t gotten back up. Without my little reward system I just don’t seem to care enough that the floors need a vacuum and the window sills need dusting.

I thought briefly that I might bake some cookies once its all done, as a replacement reward, but then I just started thinking about the mess that would make and that I would have to clean that up as well.

I think staying sober is going to be a lot harder than I thought it would be. It goes beyond just not drinking. It seems to be a greater part of my life than even I had recognised.

Perhaps I will just go back to bed.

I think I need a hobby

I think I need a hobby.

People still have those right?

I think I need something that I can dedicate my time to. Something that will keep my hands and my mind busy. The problem is … I don’t really like anything.

I liked drinking, and I was really good at it, but I am told that was not a hobby.

I like music, but not enough to want to make it. I have zero artistic ability in terms of painting or sculpting. I do not like being outside because of the sunlight and my very pale skin, so that rules out gardening or some type of sport. I am a pretty good cook, but I don’t see that as a hobby, its just a way to feed my family.

I don’t really know what is left.

I like to write. But I cant make 50+ blog posts everyday. I started writing a novel once but got bored after about 5 thousand words and just gave up.

What hobby’s / activities do you participate in ? Are they time consuming? Do they require any special skills?

Guttless

So my therapist asked me today if I was happy to continue seeing her or if I would like to stop and find someone else. This is the out I have been looking for.

I have been so afraid of telling her I want to stop. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I didn’t want to seem ungrateful. I didn’t want to say the words out loud.

And here she just hands it to me on a silver platter. All I had to do was open my mouth and say something. My brain was screaming, telling me to say thank you, say yes I would like to stop, say ANYTHING!!!

I just continued to stare at my feet and shrugged my shoulders.

I don’t know why I couldn’t say anything.

Time For a Change

People are always saying things to me like “A change is as good as a holiday” and “The only person who can change your life is you”. I do not agree with the first statement but I know the second to be true.

It makes me mad when people say these things to me because its like they equate my disorders with stupidity. When I hear these words from other people (people who don’t understand my disorders) I just want to scream at them “I know this shit. Do you think I am stupid as well as crazy?” But I know they are right. So I am making an effort to change some things in my life in hopes that I will start to feel better.

Yesterday I got up early and exercised. I haven’t done that in a very long time so it was hard but I did feel a little better afterwards. The thing that holds me back from exercising everyday is that I am afraid of what my son and partner might think or say if they see me doing it. What if they see me exercise everyday and I get no results? So for now I am doing it early in the morning when they are still asleep. Yesterday it was just some quick push-ups and crunches (things like that) but today I took one of our dogs for a walk around the neighborhood. I am not looking to get ripped, just loose some weight and hope to feel a bit better about my self.

I am making a change in my diet as well. This one I cant hide as easily so it scares me quite a bit. Usually I will start my day with two giant cans of Red Bull and a number of cigarettes. Now I am trying to have a piece of toast before I have only one can. I know its not much but I gotta start somewhere.

I have even made an appointment at the hairdresser to have a cut and color. I haven’t done this in almost 10 years. I could never justify spending that much money on myself once I had a child. But money is alright at the moment so I figure why not.

I know these are all just small things but I am hoping they are just the beginning of me reclaiming myself. I hope to build up to the big changes that need to happen. I don’t really have an end goal as I don’t like to set myself up for failure. So I am just going to keep changing things little by little and see where I end up.

Time I Can’t Get Back

I sit here thinking of all the time that I have just sat here and it just adds to the depression.

Over the last year I have wasted so much time doing nothing. I stare at Facebook, I play the first 5 mins of a show or movie then turn it off, I look at pretty houses for sale on the real estate sites that I will never be able to afford. It’s all just a giant waste of time.

I had started writing again. Got about 90 pages into the novel I have always wanted to write. Then I just stopped. Not because the ideas were not there but just because.

I look at the half painted wall in my living room and say I am going to finish that tomorrow. But I never do.

I walk past the spare room full of junk and think, I am going to organize that room tomorrow. But I never do.

I dont know if it is the depression making me lazy or the fact that I am lazy that is making me depressed.

The Importance of Being You.

When I was a young child I was happy. I know this not from memories, but from old home movies, photo’s and stories told by my older relatives. “Always smiling” “Such a happy child”. These are the words used to describe how I once was. When I interrupt the story to ask what changed they either gloss over it or just simply don’t know. One such relative told me that she did not know what caused my sudden mood change, but she said there was most likely an event or situation that changed the way I saw the world and my place in it.

When I try to look back and remember the happy times I always come up blank. I cant remember being the happy child in the picture of me at the fair with my pretty pink dress, pigtails and giant smile. And if I try to think of what might have happened to change my outlook, I come up with nothing but darkness.

I do remember I had a teacher, when I was about 9, tell me that if I was not happy that I should pretend to be happy and happiness would then follow. Being that she was an authority figure and meant to be wiser in all aspects of life than me, I tried to pretend to be happy. I don’t know if it helped or hurt my situation. I began remembering to smile at others and talk to the other children when they spoke to me. So on the outside I was just like them. But on the inside I was still sad/angry. Which just confused me more. I kept up the happiness charade until I was in high school. The bad feelings I had on the inside had been festering and growing (I was more unhappy then ever) but to look at me I was just like everyone else.

I had friends, went to sleepovers and did “normal” things a girl my age should have been doing. But I felt like an invader in my own body and mind. Doing these things that I didn’t really care for or enjoy and smiling along making everyone else think that everything was fine.

At some point at around the age of 13 I decided that it was just too much effort, so I reverted back to being moody, depressed and anxious. My “friends” didn’t understand the change in my behavior and we drifted apart.

But this is where we get to the part where it is important to always be yourself.

I started to make new friends. Some who understood the way I was either from personal experience or from watching others go through the same thing, and some who had never been exposed to depression/anxiety but liked me for who I was anyway. Most of these friends I still have to this day. (Almost 20 years later)

By being myself, even though that person was not perfect, I became slightly happier and more comfortable in my own skin. I developed real friendships and was able to become the person I am today. I still have a lot to work on but at least I am no longer lying to myself.