Slipped

So Saturday I had a slip. I was going to just have a drink or two and of course that ended up with me drinking way more than I should. I felt so bad on Sunday because I had drank that I drank again to make myself feel better….

Yeah cause that always works.

So now I am angry and depressed and I just want to drink again to make myself feel better.

Fuck this stupid cycle.

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Motivation

I may only be 3 days into sobriety but I am struggling.

I used to wake up, and within 15 mins I would have most of my day planned out and within half hour of that I would have started on the list of things I had in my head. I would use alcohol as a motivational tool most days. Tell myself that once certain jobs where done I could have a drink. Now, without the reward of a nice cold beer, I just cant seem to get anything done.

Today I got up and made my mental list of things that need doing… then I sat down and haven’t gotten back up. Without my little reward system I just don’t seem to care enough that the floors need a vacuum and the window sills need dusting.

I thought briefly that I might bake some cookies once its all done, as a replacement reward, but then I just started thinking about the mess that would make and that I would have to clean that up as well.

I think staying sober is going to be a lot harder than I thought it would be. It goes beyond just not drinking. It seems to be a greater part of my life than even I had recognised.

Perhaps I will just go back to bed.

I think I need a hobby

I think I need a hobby.

People still have those right?

I think I need something that I can dedicate my time to. Something that will keep my hands and my mind busy. The problem is … I don’t really like anything.

I liked drinking, and I was really good at it, but I am told that was not a hobby.

I like music, but not enough to want to make it. I have zero artistic ability in terms of painting or sculpting. I do not like being outside because of the sunlight and my very pale skin, so that rules out gardening or some type of sport. I am a pretty good cook, but I don’t see that as a hobby, its just a way to feed my family.

I don’t really know what is left.

I like to write. But I cant make 50+ blog posts everyday. I started writing a novel once but got bored after about 5 thousand words and just gave up.

What hobby’s / activities do you participate in ? Are they time consuming? Do they require any special skills?

So where to from here?

When I started this blog I had the intent to share my experiences with depression and anxiety, the good days and the bad. I had hoped to gain some kind of understanding of my issues by putting them into words and to maybe help someone else realise that its not just them.

Now I am just lost. Some things have changed for the better, some have stayed the same but along the way I have also come to realise that I have way more problems than I first thought.

I no longer see my therapist. Partly because I moved over an hours drive away but mostly because I hated going. It seemed to just be another thing I wasn’t good at. And now that I see that written down I can see how strange it sounds. I would tell my partner that I didn’t want to go to my appointments because I wasn’t good at it and he would look at me like I was speaking a different language.

My anxiety has gotten better in most cases. I can now go about my day without being crippled by irrational fears. I think moving last year had a lot to do with that. I no longer think my house is going to kill me. But I still have a lot of social anxiety.

As for the depression, it all just depends on the day. Some days I am fine. Some days it’s hard but I can pretend I’m ok. But I still have the days where I just cant get out of bed. I think that is just something I will always have to deal with. I have accepted that as fact.

I have stopped taking the medication! This was a big step for me, and a long process. They never tell you how hard it is to get off the pills when they are prescribing them. It took me almost 6 months to wean myself off them. Even with the gradual reduction, the first 4 days without them was terrible. I couldn’t sleep or eat. I just lay in bed and stared at the celling. I couldn’t focus on anything for more than a few seconds, not even my own thoughts. Someone would ask me if I wanted something to eat and it would take me about 5 minuets to gather my thoughts enough to tell them “no”.

So where to from here?

I have now set myself 2 goals. To quit drinking and quit smoking. I will now share my experiences with these as well as the struggles of living with depression and anxiety.

I just had a cigarette, so that one is not looking so good. But I haven’t had a drink in almost 2 days.

Fingers crossed 🙂