I feel all out of sorts today. Cant seem to keep my thoughts in my head long enough to do anything. Its taken me half an hour just to get anything on the page.
Yesterday I was hungover and laying in bed all day so my thoughts where slower and simpler.
I know what would fix it. But that’s not going to help.
Think I should just go back to bed before I do something I may regret.
So today I am starting over.
I need to make some changes in my life so that I can be better. A better friend, partner and most of all a better parent. I don’t even recognise the person I have been over the last year or so. I need to find me again.
I have to still be in there somewhere right?
I really hope so. I am hoping that if I take away all the bad habits and vices that I will become a person that I am not ashamed of. A person that others will be happy to call friend. A person that doesn’t need to apologise constantly for the stupid things she does.
So here it is. This is where I start.
First I will stop drinking. I turn into a completely different person when I drink and I really don’t like her. I refer to that person as my evil twin as it seems her sole purpose is to fuck with my life.
I don’t know if I am an alcoholic but I do know that I am definitely in a fast car heading towards that neighbourhood and it scares the shit out of me. I can not just have one or two quiet beers, it always turns into waking up the next day with very little recollection of the night before. That in itself is a terrible feeling, but then the memories start to creep in and that just makes it so much worse. Remembering the things my evil twin did or said. Then remembering that that evil bitch is just me.
It has to stop.
I also am going to quit smoking! I have smoked for a very long time. I like it. I have never been concerned about the health issues that it causes. Even when watching my mother dying of cancer, I still loved smoking.
I have recently finished a course of Champix tablets to help me quit. They work pretty well. I successfully stopped smoking for about a month. But then my evil twin came out and fucked that up too. Today woke up to an almost full packet of cigarettes that I don’t remember buying. I smoked one. Then I did something that shocked even me… I ran them under a tap till they where dripping, then threw them in the bin.
I will not let myself go backwards any more!
My family and friends deserve the best possible version of me. I deserve the best possible version of me!
This is where I start!
So I dont even know how long its been since I have even logged in let alone post anything.
Life had seemed better for a while. Not sure if it was better or if I had just been to busy to notice just how unhappy I was becomeing.
Basicly I have always been unhappy, but the last couple of months I just keep falling deeper and deeper.
The last 2 days, though, it seems that I have gone from deeply unhappy to deeply unhappy and angry.
I have been trying to hide my anger from those around me but I just dont think I can anymore. I have had to hide away in my bedroom for most of today.
I am just over it all at the moment. Lets hope it gets easier soon…
I recently spent the night in the watch house. The official charges where “obstruction and abuse of an officer” and “drunken disorderly”. What actually happened though, was way more messed up and it could have been a lot worse.
I had heard through the “friend vine” that one of my friends was in an abusive relationship. I reached out to her to hear it first hand. She came to my place for drinks and a chat and it turned out that it was true and her partner was just a giant asshole.
As the night and the drinks flowed on she must have received 30 missed calls and a handful of text messages from her partner. Apparently he had some money for her and she had to come get it NOW! She arranged for him to meet her at the train station but I wouldn’t let her go alone.
So we met him at the station. I kept my distance and let them talk. Then he grabbed her and started to push her.
I separated them and stood in the middle. I was already full of rage that he would put his hands on her in front of me but I was holding it together. Then he thought it might be a good idea to make threats against her 8 year old son.
I went blank. All I remember after that is her crying and telling me the cops where there. I looked up to see the police coming our way. I looked down to the guy, bloodied and crying under me.
The next thing I knew I was being put in the back of a police car and he was being put into an ambulance. I had blood all over me but I didn’t seem to be hurt other than a sore and swollen right hand.
So I spend a very uncomfortable night in a cell and ended up with a $330 fine that I couldn’t afford. But I thought if it got rid of this asshole and my friend and her kids where safe then it was worth it.
That all happened about 3 months ago. But it seems that it was just a very expensive lesson for me because she has now taken him back. She has let him back into her life, her home and the lives of her children.
What can you do when they wont help themselves.
It is what it says.
I have been drinking since 12 pm.
Boredom I think.
I start to feel a little better.
I start to drink a little faster.
Feeling like singing now.
Feeling like dancing now.
Only three hours has past.
only thirteen beers consumed.
I have too many thoughts today. I have been trying for the last hour to get just one of them out at a time. Sadly I have had no luck. Everything I write seems to be a giant mess of thoughts and feelings but with nothing to tie them together other than my crazy.
Top of the list of rapidly random brain farts is the never ending list of things I have to do before my sons birthday on Sunday. My partner and I do not celebrate our own birthdays, just out of a lack of interest, but we try to go all out for our son cause you’re only a kid once.
Then there is the ever building pile of bills that, no matter how hard we try, we just can’t seem to get on top of.
I also have my partners family who are so bored in there own lives that they try to cause drama in ours. My partners mother told him the other day that he “never got a paternity test and doesn’t know for sure that the kid is his so he should just bail and enjoy life”. It’s been 12 years and they have been trying to tell him to leave us for that whole time. He knows the boy is his but it still gets under my skin an makes me super fucking angry.
Then there is always my favorite fear that I will have to be “the grown up”. My partner has just recently been switched to night shift. When ever I am the only adult in the house at night my anxiety is tripled. What if something goes wrong and I am the only one here to deal with it? What if I do something wrong and make things worse..? I am 33 years old, I should have a grasp on being a grown up by now but I am so afraid that bad shit is gonna go down that I hardly sleep the nights he is away.
And this is just a taste of the madness in my head today. There are too many things to think about. I can slow it down long enough to obsess on one thing for a minuet or two before they starts skipping madly though my brain again.
It’s times like these that I wish I still smoked weed. I haven’t touched it since I was around 18 or so. Just remembering the way it slowed and turned down the volume of the thought race in my head makes me want to say “fuck it! Lets smoke a bowl”. Maybe if I wasn’t a parent I would but I don’t want to be the “do as I say and not as I do” parent.
I have been having these flashbacks for a few years now and I am still not even sure if it is something that has happened or just my brain trying to fuck with me.
I don’t have a lot of memories of being younger but the things that I do remember are fairly normal sort of memories. Watching my mother cry when my grandmother died (8 years old), having my appendix out (10 years old), my brother coming home from the hospital in remission (11 years old) and everything from around age 14 till now. That is basically all the memories I have.
Then there are the flashbacks. And its always the same thing.
I do not want to say what exactly is happening in them but I am about 13 years old and everything in the flashback looks how I imaging it should for that time period. The wall color, the curtains. But the other persons age doesn’t fit. Like they are to old or I am too young.
I have no idea if it ever happened and its not the kind of thing I can just ask them about. Even if I still spoke to this person I would not be able to just ask “hey did this thing really happen?”
I have been dealing with these flashbacks for about 6 years and its always the same thing, same room, same person. Everything in full HD, unmistakably the same.
I cant tell anyone about it cause they will either make a huge deal out of it and it would start a lot of shit, or they will just decide I am crazier than they thought I was. I cant talk to my therapist about it cause I cant talk to her about anything.
When the flashback starts I usually can shake it off fairly quickly and distract myself. But sometimes its too strong or there is nothing to distract me. When this happens I am basically useless for the rest of the day. I replay it in my head over and over trying to find something, anything in the scene that would prove it to be false.
I need it to be false.
Nothing seems to be going right today. From the moment my alarm went off till this very point.
I hit snooze to many times and my son was almost late for school. In the rush to get him ready I fell behind getting myself ready. I missed my bus, so I was late for my appointment. After my appointment I was so hypnotized watching a cop directing traffic that I didn’t see when my bus drove straight passed me and while I was out, one of my dogs went swimming in the kitchen bin so there was a huge mess to clean up. Now my phone wont charge.
I know a bunch of worse stuff could have happened to me, but still I am having a pretty shit day.
I would love a beer or two and to be able to just go to bed for the rest of the day but I have so many things I need to be doing right now. I think I might cry.
I don’t know why I drink. It never ends well.
“I’ll just have a couple drinks”
That’s how it always starts out.
I am somewhat aware that I may be an alcoholic. My father is, 2 of my 4 brothers are. I guess I am too.
I think it’s going to make me feel better or help me forget my troubles for a little while. Never does, but I keep doing it.
I cant understand how making my self feel better, even if only briefly, could make me feel worse in the long run. Its seems to be one of life’s cruel practical jokes that I get caught up in time and time again.