Slipped

So Saturday I had a slip. I was going to just have a drink or two and of course that ended up with me drinking way more than I should. I felt so bad on Sunday because I had drank that I drank again to make myself feel better….

Yeah cause that always works.

So now I am angry and depressed and I just want to drink again to make myself feel better.

Fuck this stupid cycle.

The beginning of me

So today I am starting over.

I need to make some changes in my life so that I can be better. A better friend, partner and most of all a better parent. I don’t even recognise the person I have been over the last year or so. I need to find me again.

I have to still be in there somewhere right?

I really hope so. I am hoping that if I take away all the bad habits and vices that I will become a person that I am not ashamed of. A person that others will be happy to call friend. A person that doesn’t need to apologise constantly for the stupid things she does.

So here it is. This is where I start.

First I will stop drinking. I turn into a completely different person when I drink and I really don’t like her. I refer to that person as my evil twin as it seems her sole purpose is to fuck with my life.

I don’t know if I am an alcoholic but I do know that I am definitely in a fast car heading towards that neighbourhood and it scares the shit out of me. I can not just have one or two quiet beers, it always turns into waking up the next day with very little recollection of the night before. That in itself is a terrible feeling, but then the memories start to creep in and that just makes it so much worse. Remembering the things my evil twin did or said. Then remembering that that evil bitch is just me.

It has to stop.

I also am going to quit smoking! I have smoked for a very long time. I like it. I have never been concerned about the health issues that it causes. Even when watching my mother dying of cancer, I still loved smoking.

I have recently finished a course of Champix tablets to help me quit. They work pretty well. I successfully stopped smoking for about a month. But then my evil twin came out and fucked that up too. Today woke up to an almost full packet of cigarettes that I don’t remember buying. I smoked one. Then I did something that shocked even me… I ran them under a tap till they where dripping, then threw them in the bin.

I will not let myself go backwards any more!

My family and friends deserve the best possible version of me. I deserve the best possible version of me!

This is where I start!

Stupidity

I don’t know why I drink. It never ends well. 

“I’ll just have a couple drinks” 

That’s how it always starts out. 

I am somewhat aware that I may be an alcoholic. My father is, 2 of my 4 brothers are. I guess I am too. 

I think it’s going to make me feel better or help me forget my troubles for a little while. Never does, but I keep doing it. 

I cant understand how making my self feel better, even if only briefly, could make me feel worse in the long run. Its seems to be one of life’s cruel practical jokes that I get caught up in time and time again.

 

 

 

M.I.A

APOLOGIES for not posting over the last couple of days.

 

I have fallen off the “better myself” wagon and reverted to feeling like shit and wanting to sleep all day. I will climb back aboard eventually but for now I think I just need to wallow. 

 

Today is Friday so my only goal for today is to get messed up drunk. Will let yas know how that goes.

Saturday Night

My friends birthday party. 

Party didn’t start till 7 pm

I, of course, started drinking at noon.

At the party. Everything was fine. People dancing, singing, laughing.

And me… Just sitting there with my drink and the fire pit.

Politely nodding and giving short, one word responses when spoken to.

So it was pretty much what I expected. This is how I am at most social gatherings.

The night lumbered on, more people arrived, some people left

And me… Just sitting there with my drink and the fire pit.

The thoughts started to build and race though my head.

I called a friend, male, platonic, known him forever.

His new girlfriend, of 2 weeks, wouldn’t let me speak to him.

FUCKING BITCH!

Full of rage.

I went to the kitchen.

So many knives.

Tried the first one… not even a scratch.

Picked up another one… same thing.

Note to self : buy friend sharper knives.

Tried another and another.

Small cut, didn’t even need a band aid.

Defeated.

Refilled my drink

Headed back to the fire pit.