I don’t want to

I have been struggling lately. My mood has been very down and it hasn’t gone unnoticed. I could feel it coming but was unable to control it. My partner has suggested that I see my doctor and reassess my need for medication.

I know he is just worried and he wants me to be happy. But part of me wants to punch him in the face and scream NO! Thankfully I am still able to control myself enough not to do that.

I know my doctor will happily write me a script and encourage me to get back on the meds. But I really don’t want to. I don’t like what they do to me. I like having emotions, even if my main emotion right now is depressed. I don’t want to go back to being a zombie.

I have been off the medication for about 6 months now. My doctor did say that I should go back and see him about now to see how I was going without them. Up until about the last 2 weeks I had been fine. I want to still be fine. I need to find a way to snap out of this funk and get back to who I had been.

I do not want to start taking medication again!

 

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Slipped

So Saturday I had a slip. I was going to just have a drink or two and of course that ended up with me drinking way more than I should. I felt so bad on Sunday because I had drank that I drank again to make myself feel better….

Yeah cause that always works.

So now I am angry and depressed and I just want to drink again to make myself feel better.

Fuck this stupid cycle.

So where to from here?

When I started this blog I had the intent to share my experiences with depression and anxiety, the good days and the bad. I had hoped to gain some kind of understanding of my issues by putting them into words and to maybe help someone else realise that its not just them.

Now I am just lost. Some things have changed for the better, some have stayed the same but along the way I have also come to realise that I have way more problems than I first thought.

I no longer see my therapist. Partly because I moved over an hours drive away but mostly because I hated going. It seemed to just be another thing I wasn’t good at. And now that I see that written down I can see how strange it sounds. I would tell my partner that I didn’t want to go to my appointments because I wasn’t good at it and he would look at me like I was speaking a different language.

My anxiety has gotten better in most cases. I can now go about my day without being crippled by irrational fears. I think moving last year had a lot to do with that. I no longer think my house is going to kill me. But I still have a lot of social anxiety.

As for the depression, it all just depends on the day. Some days I am fine. Some days it’s hard but I can pretend I’m ok. But I still have the days where I just cant get out of bed. I think that is just something I will always have to deal with. I have accepted that as fact.

I have stopped taking the medication! This was a big step for me, and a long process. They never tell you how hard it is to get off the pills when they are prescribing them. It took me almost 6 months to wean myself off them. Even with the gradual reduction, the first 4 days without them was terrible. I couldn’t sleep or eat. I just lay in bed and stared at the celling. I couldn’t focus on anything for more than a few seconds, not even my own thoughts. Someone would ask me if I wanted something to eat and it would take me about 5 minuets to gather my thoughts enough to tell them “no”.

So where to from here?

I have now set myself 2 goals. To quit drinking and quit smoking. I will now share my experiences with these as well as the struggles of living with depression and anxiety.

I just had a cigarette, so that one is not looking so good. But I haven’t had a drink in almost 2 days.

Fingers crossed 🙂

Thoughts

I feel all out of sorts today. Cant seem to keep my thoughts in my head long enough to do anything. Its taken me half an hour just to get anything on the page.

Yesterday I was hungover and laying in bed all day so my thoughts where slower and simpler.

I know what would fix it. But that’s not going to help.

Think I should just go back to bed before I do something I may regret.

M.I.A

APOLOGIES for not posting over the last couple of days.

 

I have fallen off the “better myself” wagon and reverted to feeling like shit and wanting to sleep all day. I will climb back aboard eventually but for now I think I just need to wallow. 

 

Today is Friday so my only goal for today is to get messed up drunk. Will let yas know how that goes.

Time For a Change

People are always saying things to me like “A change is as good as a holiday” and “The only person who can change your life is you”. I do not agree with the first statement but I know the second to be true.

It makes me mad when people say these things to me because its like they equate my disorders with stupidity. When I hear these words from other people (people who don’t understand my disorders) I just want to scream at them “I know this shit. Do you think I am stupid as well as crazy?” But I know they are right. So I am making an effort to change some things in my life in hopes that I will start to feel better.

Yesterday I got up early and exercised. I haven’t done that in a very long time so it was hard but I did feel a little better afterwards. The thing that holds me back from exercising everyday is that I am afraid of what my son and partner might think or say if they see me doing it. What if they see me exercise everyday and I get no results? So for now I am doing it early in the morning when they are still asleep. Yesterday it was just some quick push-ups and crunches (things like that) but today I took one of our dogs for a walk around the neighborhood. I am not looking to get ripped, just loose some weight and hope to feel a bit better about my self.

I am making a change in my diet as well. This one I cant hide as easily so it scares me quite a bit. Usually I will start my day with two giant cans of Red Bull and a number of cigarettes. Now I am trying to have a piece of toast before I have only one can. I know its not much but I gotta start somewhere.

I have even made an appointment at the hairdresser to have a cut and color. I haven’t done this in almost 10 years. I could never justify spending that much money on myself once I had a child. But money is alright at the moment so I figure why not.

I know these are all just small things but I am hoping they are just the beginning of me reclaiming myself. I hope to build up to the big changes that need to happen. I don’t really have an end goal as I don’t like to set myself up for failure. So I am just going to keep changing things little by little and see where I end up.

Time I Can’t Get Back

I sit here thinking of all the time that I have just sat here and it just adds to the depression.

Over the last year I have wasted so much time doing nothing. I stare at Facebook, I play the first 5 mins of a show or movie then turn it off, I look at pretty houses for sale on the real estate sites that I will never be able to afford. It’s all just a giant waste of time.

I had started writing again. Got about 90 pages into the novel I have always wanted to write. Then I just stopped. Not because the ideas were not there but just because.

I look at the half painted wall in my living room and say I am going to finish that tomorrow. But I never do.

I walk past the spare room full of junk and think, I am going to organize that room tomorrow. But I never do.

I dont know if it is the depression making me lazy or the fact that I am lazy that is making me depressed.

Saturday Night

My friends birthday party. 

Party didn’t start till 7 pm

I, of course, started drinking at noon.

At the party. Everything was fine. People dancing, singing, laughing.

And me… Just sitting there with my drink and the fire pit.

Politely nodding and giving short, one word responses when spoken to.

So it was pretty much what I expected. This is how I am at most social gatherings.

The night lumbered on, more people arrived, some people left

And me… Just sitting there with my drink and the fire pit.

The thoughts started to build and race though my head.

I called a friend, male, platonic, known him forever.

His new girlfriend, of 2 weeks, wouldn’t let me speak to him.

FUCKING BITCH!

Full of rage.

I went to the kitchen.

So many knives.

Tried the first one… not even a scratch.

Picked up another one… same thing.

Note to self : buy friend sharper knives.

Tried another and another.

Small cut, didn’t even need a band aid.

Defeated.

Refilled my drink

Headed back to the fire pit.

Therapy… I’m doing it wrong!

I have just returned from my appointment with my therapist. I am more on edge now than I was before I went. It happens every single time. Surely she has better things to do than to watch me pick at my nails, stare at my shoes and feel extremely uncomfortable for an hour. 

I thought I would share with you a (sort of) transcript of today’s session so you could see what I mean.

Enter room sit down

Therapist : So how have you been?

Me : Fine and you?

Therapist : Good thanks, and how has your anxiety been since our last session?

Me : Pretty average

Therapist : And your mood? Have you been experiencing more or less depression?

Me : About the same

Stare at my shoes…. Pick at my nails… 10 minutes pass

Therapist : You seem anxious. Are you feeling anxious right now?

Me : Yep

Look awkwardly around the room, don’t make eye contact.

Therapist : So how have things been in general?

Me : Pretty average.

Therapist : So not much going on? No more or less stress?

Me : Nah.

Pick at nails, prey for time to hurry up… 20 uncomfortable minutes pass

Therapist : So is there anything you wanted to talk about today?

Me : Nope.

Therapist types on her keyboard for what seems like a lifetime

Therapist : So if there was nothing else you wanted to talk about today I will make a new appointment for you for the same time next week?

Me : OK.

 

And that’s it. That conversation took place over a 45 minute period. 

I know I just need to nut up and tell her I don’t want to continue seeing her, but for some reason I can’t bring myself to do it. 

So Here’s the Thing…

I don’t know if I am better or worse while medicated. Obviously there are pro’s and con’s to both sides, but the main thing I keep thinking is that I could have really good days when I wasn’t popping pills but the best I can do while dosed up is have an “OK” day.

I know that Lexapro is an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) and I think that means that it stabilizes the chemicals in my brain that control moods so that I don’t feel so depressed. But it also stops me from feeling good. So I am just walking around all day feeling neither happy or sad. I am just stuck in a perpetual state or “meh”.

Before I started taking them I would have days where I would randomly sing and make up silly songs to amuse my son (and myself) and we would do fun things, silly things, new things. Hell I remember a day, while home alone, I sang a 5 minuet song about the lunch I was making. There were a lot of bad times too but I mostly remember the good times.

Now I feel like I am stuck in neutral and I can’t seem to find first gear. Nothing is fun, nothing is exciting, it all just… is.

I am not having as much anxiety or as many panic attacks as I used to, so I guess that’s a good thing. But I don’t really feel as though I am living so I don’t really see the point.

My GP said I shouldn’t drink while on these meds because together it can cause blackouts (and boy does it), but that seems to be the only way I can get my mood up a gear.

I just don’t know ?