I may only be 3 days into sobriety but I am struggling.
I used to wake up, and within 15 mins I would have most of my day planned out and within half hour of that I would have started on the list of things I had in my head. I would use alcohol as a motivational tool most days. Tell myself that once certain jobs where done I could have a drink. Now, without the reward of a nice cold beer, I just cant seem to get anything done.
Today I got up and made my mental list of things that need doing… then I sat down and haven’t gotten back up. Without my little reward system I just don’t seem to care enough that the floors need a vacuum and the window sills need dusting.
I thought briefly that I might bake some cookies once its all done, as a replacement reward, but then I just started thinking about the mess that would make and that I would have to clean that up as well.
I think staying sober is going to be a lot harder than I thought it would be. It goes beyond just not drinking. It seems to be a greater part of my life than even I had recognised.
Perhaps I will just go back to bed.
I think I need a hobby.
People still have those right?
I think I need something that I can dedicate my time to. Something that will keep my hands and my mind busy. The problem is … I don’t really like anything.
I liked drinking, and I was really good at it, but I am told that was not a hobby.
I like music, but not enough to want to make it. I have zero artistic ability in terms of painting or sculpting. I do not like being outside because of the sunlight and my very pale skin, so that rules out gardening or some type of sport. I am a pretty good cook, but I don’t see that as a hobby, its just a way to feed my family.
I don’t really know what is left.
I like to write. But I cant make 50+ blog posts everyday. I started writing a novel once but got bored after about 5 thousand words and just gave up.
What hobby’s / activities do you participate in ? Are they time consuming? Do they require any special skills?
I feel all out of sorts today. Cant seem to keep my thoughts in my head long enough to do anything. Its taken me half an hour just to get anything on the page.
Yesterday I was hungover and laying in bed all day so my thoughts where slower and simpler.
I know what would fix it. But that’s not going to help.
Think I should just go back to bed before I do something I may regret.
I don’t know why I drink. It never ends well.
“I’ll just have a couple drinks”
That’s how it always starts out.
I am somewhat aware that I may be an alcoholic. My father is, 2 of my 4 brothers are. I guess I am too.
I think it’s going to make me feel better or help me forget my troubles for a little while. Never does, but I keep doing it.
I cant understand how making my self feel better, even if only briefly, could make me feel worse in the long run. Its seems to be one of life’s cruel practical jokes that I get caught up in time and time again.
APOLOGIES for not posting over the last couple of days.
I have fallen off the “better myself” wagon and reverted to feeling like shit and wanting to sleep all day. I will climb back aboard eventually but for now I think I just need to wallow.
Today is Friday so my only goal for today is to get messed up drunk. Will let yas know how that goes.