I don’t want to

I have been struggling lately. My mood has been very down and it hasn’t gone unnoticed. I could feel it coming but was unable to control it. My partner has suggested that I see my doctor and reassess my need for medication.

I know he is just worried and he wants me to be happy. But part of me wants to punch him in the face and scream NO! Thankfully I am still able to control myself enough not to do that.

I know my doctor will happily write me a script and encourage me to get back on the meds. But I really don’t want to. I don’t like what they do to me. I like having emotions, even if my main emotion right now is depressed. I don’t want to go back to being a zombie.

I have been off the medication for about 6 months now. My doctor did say that I should go back and see him about now to see how I was going without them. Up until about the last 2 weeks I had been fine. I want to still be fine. I need to find a way to snap out of this funk and get back to who I had been.

I do not want to start taking medication again!

 

So where to from here?

When I started this blog I had the intent to share my experiences with depression and anxiety, the good days and the bad. I had hoped to gain some kind of understanding of my issues by putting them into words and to maybe help someone else realise that its not just them.

Now I am just lost. Some things have changed for the better, some have stayed the same but along the way I have also come to realise that I have way more problems than I first thought.

I no longer see my therapist. Partly because I moved over an hours drive away but mostly because I hated going. It seemed to just be another thing I wasn’t good at. And now that I see that written down I can see how strange it sounds. I would tell my partner that I didn’t want to go to my appointments because I wasn’t good at it and he would look at me like I was speaking a different language.

My anxiety has gotten better in most cases. I can now go about my day without being crippled by irrational fears. I think moving last year had a lot to do with that. I no longer think my house is going to kill me. But I still have a lot of social anxiety.

As for the depression, it all just depends on the day. Some days I am fine. Some days it’s hard but I can pretend I’m ok. But I still have the days where I just cant get out of bed. I think that is just something I will always have to deal with. I have accepted that as fact.

I have stopped taking the medication! This was a big step for me, and a long process. They never tell you how hard it is to get off the pills when they are prescribing them. It took me almost 6 months to wean myself off them. Even with the gradual reduction, the first 4 days without them was terrible. I couldn’t sleep or eat. I just lay in bed and stared at the celling. I couldn’t focus on anything for more than a few seconds, not even my own thoughts. Someone would ask me if I wanted something to eat and it would take me about 5 minuets to gather my thoughts enough to tell them “no”.

So where to from here?

I have now set myself 2 goals. To quit drinking and quit smoking. I will now share my experiences with these as well as the struggles of living with depression and anxiety.

I just had a cigarette, so that one is not looking so good. But I haven’t had a drink in almost 2 days.

Fingers crossed 🙂

So Here’s the Thing…

I don’t know if I am better or worse while medicated. Obviously there are pro’s and con’s to both sides, but the main thing I keep thinking is that I could have really good days when I wasn’t popping pills but the best I can do while dosed up is have an “OK” day.

I know that Lexapro is an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) and I think that means that it stabilizes the chemicals in my brain that control moods so that I don’t feel so depressed. But it also stops me from feeling good. So I am just walking around all day feeling neither happy or sad. I am just stuck in a perpetual state or “meh”.

Before I started taking them I would have days where I would randomly sing and make up silly songs to amuse my son (and myself) and we would do fun things, silly things, new things. Hell I remember a day, while home alone, I sang a 5 minuet song about the lunch I was making. There were a lot of bad times too but I mostly remember the good times.

Now I feel like I am stuck in neutral and I can’t seem to find first gear. Nothing is fun, nothing is exciting, it all just… is.

I am not having as much anxiety or as many panic attacks as I used to, so I guess that’s a good thing. But I don’t really feel as though I am living so I don’t really see the point.

My GP said I shouldn’t drink while on these meds because together it can cause blackouts (and boy does it), but that seems to be the only way I can get my mood up a gear.

I just don’t know ?

Ode to my Couch Cushions

You are sneaky, it is true

But I love the things you do.

It’s the deception that you show

so that no one even knows

the longer that they stay

the more you take away.

You’ve collected all their change

so my mood can rearrange.

 

Ok so I am by no means a poet but I felt they needed a little recognition for there part in me now being able to afford my meds.

Didn’t Take My Meds

Wednesday was the last day I took my Anti Anxiety/Depression medication. Not because I am wanting to stop or that I forgot, but because I have run out.

I am lucky enough to live in a country where we have universal health care so I get them for very cheap but I am dead broke. I had to make the decision yesterday to either spend my last $5 on bread and milk or buy my meds. My son always comes first so bread and milk it was.

I am too proud to ask my family (what little I have) for help, so it looks like I am going to  be off them for a little while.

The side effects while on my meds are pretty bad but what happens when I don’t take them is worse. I don’t mean my mood or anxiety. I mean the physical effects.

I get really tired and very dizzy. When I move my eyes to either side I can hear them move as well as get a feeling like my brain is zapping my entire body. It is a very strange feeling.

I don’t like going off the meds but this time I don’t have a choice. I guess I will see how it goes.