I don’t want to

I have been struggling lately. My mood has been very down and it hasn’t gone unnoticed. I could feel it coming but was unable to control it. My partner has suggested that I see my doctor and reassess my need for medication.

I know he is just worried and he wants me to be happy. But part of me wants to punch him in the face and scream NO! Thankfully I am still able to control myself enough not to do that.

I know my doctor will happily write me a script and encourage me to get back on the meds. But I really don’t want to. I don’t like what they do to me. I like having emotions, even if my main emotion right now is depressed. I don’t want to go back to being a zombie.

I have been off the medication for about 6 months now. My doctor did say that I should go back and see him about now to see how I was going without them. Up until about the last 2 weeks I had been fine. I want to still be fine. I need to find a way to snap out of this funk and get back to who I had been.

I do not want to start taking medication again!

 

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So where to from here?

When I started this blog I had the intent to share my experiences with depression and anxiety, the good days and the bad. I had hoped to gain some kind of understanding of my issues by putting them into words and to maybe help someone else realise that its not just them.

Now I am just lost. Some things have changed for the better, some have stayed the same but along the way I have also come to realise that I have way more problems than I first thought.

I no longer see my therapist. Partly because I moved over an hours drive away but mostly because I hated going. It seemed to just be another thing I wasn’t good at. And now that I see that written down I can see how strange it sounds. I would tell my partner that I didn’t want to go to my appointments because I wasn’t good at it and he would look at me like I was speaking a different language.

My anxiety has gotten better in most cases. I can now go about my day without being crippled by irrational fears. I think moving last year had a lot to do with that. I no longer think my house is going to kill me. But I still have a lot of social anxiety.

As for the depression, it all just depends on the day. Some days I am fine. Some days it’s hard but I can pretend I’m ok. But I still have the days where I just cant get out of bed. I think that is just something I will always have to deal with. I have accepted that as fact.

I have stopped taking the medication! This was a big step for me, and a long process. They never tell you how hard it is to get off the pills when they are prescribing them. It took me almost 6 months to wean myself off them. Even with the gradual reduction, the first 4 days without them was terrible. I couldn’t sleep or eat. I just lay in bed and stared at the celling. I couldn’t focus on anything for more than a few seconds, not even my own thoughts. Someone would ask me if I wanted something to eat and it would take me about 5 minuets to gather my thoughts enough to tell them “no”.

So where to from here?

I have now set myself 2 goals. To quit drinking and quit smoking. I will now share my experiences with these as well as the struggles of living with depression and anxiety.

I just had a cigarette, so that one is not looking so good. But I haven’t had a drink in almost 2 days.

Fingers crossed ūüôā

Time I Can’t Get Back

I sit here thinking of all the time that I have just sat here and it just adds to the depression.

Over the last year I have wasted so much time doing nothing. I stare at Facebook, I play the first 5 mins of a show or movie then turn it off, I look at pretty houses for sale on the real estate sites that I will never be able to afford. It’s all just a giant waste of time.

I had started writing again. Got about 90 pages into the novel I have always wanted to write. Then I just stopped. Not because the ideas were not there but just because.

I look at the half painted wall in my living room and say I am going to finish that tomorrow. But I never do.

I walk past the spare room full of junk and think, I am going to organize that room tomorrow. But I never do.

I dont know if it is the depression making me lazy or the fact that I am lazy that is making me depressed.

Therapy… I’m doing it wrong!

I have just returned from my appointment with my therapist. I am more on edge now than I was before I went. It happens every single time. Surely she has better things to do than to watch me pick at my nails, stare at my shoes and feel extremely uncomfortable for an hour. 

I thought I would share with you a (sort of) transcript of¬†today’s¬†session¬†so you could see what I mean.

Enter room sit down

Therapist : So how have you been?

Me : Fine and you?

Therapist : Good thanks, and how has your anxiety been since our last session?

Me : Pretty average

Therapist : And your mood? Have you been experiencing more or less depression?

Me : About the same

Stare at my shoes…. Pick at my nails… 10 minutes pass

Therapist : You seem anxious. Are you feeling anxious right now?

Me : Yep

Look awkwardly around the room,¬†don’t¬†make eye contact.

Therapist : So how have things been in general?

Me : Pretty average.

Therapist : So not much going on? No more or less stress?

Me : Nah.

Pick at nails, prey for time to hurry up… 20 uncomfortable minutes pass

Therapist : So is there anything you wanted to talk about today?

Me : Nope.

Therapist types on her keyboard for what seems like a lifetime

Therapist : So if there was nothing else you wanted to talk about today I will make a new appointment for you for the same time next week?

Me : OK.

 

And¬†that’s¬†it. That conversation took place over a 45 minute period.¬†

I know I just need to nut up and tell her I¬†don’t¬†want to continue seeing her, but for some reason I can’t bring myself to do it.¬†

So Here’s the Thing…

I don’t know if I am better or worse while medicated. Obviously there are pro’s and con’s to both sides, but the main thing I keep thinking is that I could have really good days when I wasn’t popping pills but the best I can do while dosed up is have an “OK” day.

I know that Lexapro is an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) and I think¬†that means that it stabilizes the chemicals in my brain that control moods so that I don’t feel so depressed. But it also stops me from feeling good. So I am just walking around all day feeling neither happy or sad. I am just stuck in a perpetual state or “meh”.

Before I started taking them I would have days where I would randomly sing and make up silly songs to amuse my son (and myself) and we would do fun things, silly things, new things. Hell I remember a day, while home alone, I sang a 5 minuet song about the lunch I was making. There were a lot of bad times too but I mostly remember the good times.

Now I feel like I am stuck in neutral and I can’t seem to find first gear. Nothing is fun, nothing is exciting, it all just… is.

I am not having as much anxiety or as many panic attacks as I used to, so I guess that’s a good thing. But I don’t really feel as though I am living so I don’t really see the point.

My GP said I shouldn’t drink while on these meds because together it can cause blackouts (and boy does it), but that seems to be the only way I can get my mood up a gear.

I just don’t know ?

Didn’t Take My Meds

Wednesday was the last day I took my Anti Anxiety/Depression medication. Not because I am wanting to stop or that I forgot, but because I have run out.

I am lucky enough to live in a country where we have universal health care so I get them for very cheap but I am dead broke. I had to make the decision yesterday to either spend my last $5 on bread and milk or buy my meds. My son always comes first so bread and milk it was.

I am too proud to ask my family (what little I have) for help, so it looks like I am going to  be off them for a little while.

The side effects while on my meds are pretty bad but what happens when I don’t take them is worse. I don’t mean my mood or anxiety. I mean the physical effects.

I get really tired and very dizzy. When I move my eyes to either side I can hear them move as well as get a feeling like my brain is zapping my entire body. It is a very strange feeling.

I don’t like going off the meds but this time I don’t have a choice. I guess I will see how it goes.

Not Doing Well

The last couple of days have been hard. I have been trying to get on with things and not dwell on the bad thoughts and feelings, but yesterday I could hardly even get out of bed. I got up and started to get on with my day but I was only out of bed for about 15 mins before it was just to hard and I had to go back to bed and stayed there all day.

I tried watching TV but just ended up starring blankly and I couldn’t tell you what was on. I tried to read, but after reading the same page 4 times and still not having a clue what it said I just layed down and closed my eyes.¬†I didn’t sleep. I just lay there and that was fine with me.

Occasionally I would have a mini flashback type deal and I would have to shake that off before I got filled with rage or burst into tears. ( I will touch more on the flashbacks in future posts)

I am still really down today but have forced myself out of bed. I don’t know what, if anything, has bought this on but I wish someone would kill it with fire already.

 

Triggers and Ways of Coping

My day yesterday started off just like any other day. I did the same things I always do. Got my son ready for school, let the dogs out, put on some laundry. I had no more or less stress than I have had for a couple of weeks now. (Money problems mostly) But while going through my usual morning routine I was suddenly paralyzed by a severe panic attack.

My heart raced, I started to sweat (on the first day of winter), my whole body shook and then the tears started to flow.

After about 20 minuets I was able to move again. I had been standing in the hallway, just stuck. I don’t know what triggered it or what snapped me out of it.¬†Thinking back, I am at a loss to explain any of it.

I have had many people tell me many different things about MY panic attacks. Here are some of the things I have been told trigger my attacks and why they either make sense or don’t.

My GP says it’s a build up of stress that just needs to be vented… This could be the case. I have always been the type of person that bottles things up and never asks for help.

Current Physiologist says they are caused by a suppressed memory trying to come to the surface and its my minds way of pushing it back down cause I don’t want to know… This also could be it but it does not really help explain what triggers it or how to deal with it when it does happen.

My BF thinks it just that I have been strong for too long and my mind is just to tired to pretend anymore… but he’s just trying to justify having a girlfriend who is bat shit crazy.

My son (11 yrs old) says that it is my dead mother trying to get in touch with me… lol he’s a bit cute. Strange, but cute.

Everything I have read online is different. Some sites say its stress, others say its fear or excitement. And some say its caffeine and horror movies that can cause panic attacks.

So I thought I would ask for your thoughts. Leave me a comment and let me know what triggers your attacks and if you have any special ways of coping with them. I am very interested to see if there is a link or if it is personalized to each individual. Thanks.

Welcome

Welcome to Unclear Mind.

This blog will hopefully become a place where I can detail my own experiences with depression, anxiety and the crap that life seems to continually throw at me and how I manage with it all.

My goal is not only to have an outlet for all the craziness that builds up in my head but also to help other understand they are not alone in the way they feel. And I aim to start off with one new post a week and build to more frequent posts as the blog popularity grows.

This blog (I hope) will not only be me crying about how unjust I think life is but also full of sarcasm and wit, as these are some of the tools I use to stop me from just saying “fuck it” and giving up.

Oh and there will be some curse words.

Stay tuned!