I don’t want to

I have been struggling lately. My mood has been very down and it hasn’t gone unnoticed. I could feel it coming but was unable to control it. My partner has suggested that I see my doctor and reassess my need for medication.

I know he is just worried and he wants me to be happy. But part of me wants to punch him in the face and scream NO! Thankfully I am still able to control myself enough not to do that.

I know my doctor will happily write me a script and encourage me to get back on the meds. But I really don’t want to. I don’t like what they do to me. I like having emotions, even if my main emotion right now is depressed. I don’t want to go back to being a zombie.

I have been off the medication for about 6 months now. My doctor did say that I should go back and see him about now to see how I was going without them. Up until about the last 2 weeks I had been fine. I want to still be fine. I need to find a way to snap out of this funk and get back to who I had been.

I do not want to start taking medication again!

 

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So where to from here?

When I started this blog I had the intent to share my experiences with depression and anxiety, the good days and the bad. I had hoped to gain some kind of understanding of my issues by putting them into words and to maybe help someone else realise that its not just them.

Now I am just lost. Some things have changed for the better, some have stayed the same but along the way I have also come to realise that I have way more problems than I first thought.

I no longer see my therapist. Partly because I moved over an hours drive away but mostly because I hated going. It seemed to just be another thing I wasn’t good at. And now that I see that written down I can see how strange it sounds. I would tell my partner that I didn’t want to go to my appointments because I wasn’t good at it and he would look at me like I was speaking a different language.

My anxiety has gotten better in most cases. I can now go about my day without being crippled by irrational fears. I think moving last year had a lot to do with that. I no longer think my house is going to kill me. But I still have a lot of social anxiety.

As for the depression, it all just depends on the day. Some days I am fine. Some days it’s hard but I can pretend I’m ok. But I still have the days where I just cant get out of bed. I think that is just something I will always have to deal with. I have accepted that as fact.

I have stopped taking the medication! This was a big step for me, and a long process. They never tell you how hard it is to get off the pills when they are prescribing them. It took me almost 6 months to wean myself off them. Even with the gradual reduction, the first 4 days without them was terrible. I couldn’t sleep or eat. I just lay in bed and stared at the celling. I couldn’t focus on anything for more than a few seconds, not even my own thoughts. Someone would ask me if I wanted something to eat and it would take me about 5 minuets to gather my thoughts enough to tell them “no”.

So where to from here?

I have now set myself 2 goals. To quit drinking and quit smoking. I will now share my experiences with these as well as the struggles of living with depression and anxiety.

I just had a cigarette, so that one is not looking so good. But I haven’t had a drink in almost 2 days.

Fingers crossed 🙂

Didn’t Take My Meds

Wednesday was the last day I took my Anti Anxiety/Depression medication. Not because I am wanting to stop or that I forgot, but because I have run out.

I am lucky enough to live in a country where we have universal health care so I get them for very cheap but I am dead broke. I had to make the decision yesterday to either spend my last $5 on bread and milk or buy my meds. My son always comes first so bread and milk it was.

I am too proud to ask my family (what little I have) for help, so it looks like I am going to  be off them for a little while.

The side effects while on my meds are pretty bad but what happens when I don’t take them is worse. I don’t mean my mood or anxiety. I mean the physical effects.

I get really tired and very dizzy. When I move my eyes to either side I can hear them move as well as get a feeling like my brain is zapping my entire body. It is a very strange feeling.

I don’t like going off the meds but this time I don’t have a choice. I guess I will see how it goes.

The Importance of Being You.

When I was a young child I was happy. I know this not from memories, but from old home movies, photo’s and stories told by my older relatives. “Always smiling” “Such a happy child”. These are the words used to describe how I once was. When I interrupt the story to ask what changed they either gloss over it or just simply don’t know. One such relative told me that she did not know what caused my sudden mood change, but she said there was most likely an event or situation that changed the way I saw the world and my place in it.

When I try to look back and remember the happy times I always come up blank. I cant remember being the happy child in the picture of me at the fair with my pretty pink dress, pigtails and giant smile. And if I try to think of what might have happened to change my outlook, I come up with nothing but darkness.

I do remember I had a teacher, when I was about 9, tell me that if I was not happy that I should pretend to be happy and happiness would then follow. Being that she was an authority figure and meant to be wiser in all aspects of life than me, I tried to pretend to be happy. I don’t know if it helped or hurt my situation. I began remembering to smile at others and talk to the other children when they spoke to me. So on the outside I was just like them. But on the inside I was still sad/angry. Which just confused me more. I kept up the happiness charade until I was in high school. The bad feelings I had on the inside had been festering and growing (I was more unhappy then ever) but to look at me I was just like everyone else.

I had friends, went to sleepovers and did “normal” things a girl my age should have been doing. But I felt like an invader in my own body and mind. Doing these things that I didn’t really care for or enjoy and smiling along making everyone else think that everything was fine.

At some point at around the age of 13 I decided that it was just too much effort, so I reverted back to being moody, depressed and anxious. My “friends” didn’t understand the change in my behavior and we drifted apart.

But this is where we get to the part where it is important to always be yourself.

I started to make new friends. Some who understood the way I was either from personal experience or from watching others go through the same thing, and some who had never been exposed to depression/anxiety but liked me for who I was anyway. Most of these friends I still have to this day. (Almost 20 years later)

By being myself, even though that person was not perfect, I became slightly happier and more comfortable in my own skin. I developed real friendships and was able to become the person I am today. I still have a lot to work on but at least I am no longer lying to myself.

Welcome

Welcome to Unclear Mind.

This blog will hopefully become a place where I can detail my own experiences with depression, anxiety and the crap that life seems to continually throw at me and how I manage with it all.

My goal is not only to have an outlet for all the craziness that builds up in my head but also to help other understand they are not alone in the way they feel. And I aim to start off with one new post a week and build to more frequent posts as the blog popularity grows.

This blog (I hope) will not only be me crying about how unjust I think life is but also full of sarcasm and wit, as these are some of the tools I use to stop me from just saying “fuck it” and giving up.

Oh and there will be some curse words.

Stay tuned!