So where to from here?

When I started this blog I had the intent to share my experiences with depression and anxiety, the good days and the bad. I had hoped to gain some kind of understanding of my issues by putting them into words and to maybe help someone else realise that its not just them.

Now I am just lost. Some things have changed for the better, some have stayed the same but along the way I have also come to realise that I have way more problems than I first thought.

I no longer see my therapist. Partly because I moved over an hours drive away but mostly because I hated going. It seemed to just be another thing I wasn’t good at. And now that I see that written down I can see how strange it sounds. I would tell my partner that I didn’t want to go to my appointments because I wasn’t good at it and he would look at me like I was speaking a different language.

My anxiety has gotten better in most cases. I can now go about my day without being crippled by irrational fears. I think moving last year had a lot to do with that. I no longer think my house is going to kill me. But I still have a lot of social anxiety.

As for the depression, it all just depends on the day. Some days I am fine. Some days it’s hard but I can pretend I’m ok. But I still have the days where I just cant get out of bed. I think that is just something I will always have to deal with. I have accepted that as fact.

I have stopped taking the medication! This was a big step for me, and a long process. They never tell you how hard it is to get off the pills when they are prescribing them. It took me almost 6 months to wean myself off them. Even with the gradual reduction, the first 4 days without them was terrible. I couldn’t sleep or eat. I just lay in bed and stared at the celling. I couldn’t focus on anything for more than a few seconds, not even my own thoughts. Someone would ask me if I wanted something to eat and it would take me about 5 minuets to gather my thoughts enough to tell them “no”.

So where to from here?

I have now set myself 2 goals. To quit drinking and quit smoking. I will now share my experiences with these as well as the struggles of living with depression and anxiety.

I just had a cigarette, so that one is not looking so good. But I haven’t had a drink in almost 2 days.

Fingers crossed 🙂

Daily Prompt: Never Again

Daily Prompt: Never Again.

Have you ever gone to a new place or tried a new experience and thought to yourself, “I’m never doing that again!”

The first and only time I tried heroin.

Bored kids, Friday night… “hey my brother can score!”

I thought he meant weed… “fuck yeah.”

An hour later I have a needle in my arm… I HATE needles!

Being violently sick, hugging the toilet bowl.

How many hours… I don’t know.

They tried to get me to move… I couldn’t.

They tried to get me to eat… I wouldn’t.

Coming down wasn’t fun either.

I felt sick, wrong… broken.

I wanted it to end… NOW!

I wanted to die… quickly.

The next day I lost all respect for him

He stared at me to see my reaction… “same again?”

My mind flashed back to the toilet… “are you nuts?”

I had the out I needed… “Uh, this isn’t going to work out.”

I haven’t seen him since.

Lets Count the Side Effects.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth taking my medication. There are pro’s and con’s to both sides I suppose, but neither side has enough pull to sway me. So I take the pills everyday and wonder if maybe I shouldn’t.

I am currently on 30mg Lexapro daily. The side effects are a killer.

For the first few months I would take them at around 9am, and at around 11am I would be so tired that I would fall asleep(1). When I told my GP he suggested I start taking them 2 hours before bed because I had been suffering insomnia for about 2 years. So I switched to taking them in the evening in hopes that I might be able to sleep through the night… NOPE! Now I still get tired and fall asleep shortly after taking the medication, but I only sleep for about and hour before I wake up because my mouth is so dry that I am almost choking(2). I am then awake for a few hours before I fall asleep again and the whole pattern plays out 3 or 4 time over the course of an evening.

I have always been a sufferer of headaches and migraines. But thanks to Lexapro my GP informs me that I can no longer take the only combination of drugs that would ease the pain for fear of a bad reaction(3). Not only that but I also experience more migraines than normal (4).

I was never the skinniest girl, but I was far from overweight. My wight usually sat at around 55kg. Since the start of the medication I have slowly stacked on the weight. I am now 76kg(5). I have never been this heavy in my life not even when I was pregnant. I have tried diet and exercise but nothing will help shake the weight.

Diminished sex drive(6). The side effect that, for me, is the worst of them all. Although I have a long time partner who understands, it is still a big problem. The GP calls it “diminished” but it is more like non existent.

So the count stands at 6! And these are just the major side effects. I could probably go on to name at least 5 more minor ones.

Let me know about your side effects and if you have any ways to lessen them or there impact.