Left to my own de-vices

My partner is currently away for work for a couple of days and its just me and my 13 yr old at home (he’s on holidays). Being that he is a 13 yr old boy he is either out with his friends, sleeping till noon, or playing xbox.

And that leaves me with the deafening silence and my own thoughts… never a good thing.

I managed to get some things done this morning but only because I rewarded myself with cigarettes. So I now have to start the quitting process over again. I feel so disappointed with myself for smoking again and at the fact that I seem to be exceptionally weak willed.

I am sure I used to be a much stronger person.

Guess that’s another thing I need to work on.

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The beginning of me

So today I am starting over.

I need to make some changes in my life so that I can be better. A better friend, partner and most of all a better parent. I don’t even recognise the person I have been over the last year or so. I need to find me again.

I have to still be in there somewhere right?

I really hope so. I am hoping that if I take away all the bad habits and vices that I will become a person that I am not ashamed of. A person that others will be happy to call friend. A person that doesn’t need to apologise constantly for the stupid things she does.

So here it is. This is where I start.

First I will stop drinking. I turn into a completely different person when I drink and I really don’t like her. I refer to that person as my evil twin as it seems her sole purpose is to fuck with my life.

I don’t know if I am an alcoholic but I do know that I am definitely in a fast car heading towards that neighbourhood and it scares the shit out of me. I can not just have one or two quiet beers, it always turns into waking up the next day with very little recollection of the night before. That in itself is a terrible feeling, but then the memories start to creep in and that just makes it so much worse. Remembering the things my evil twin did or said. Then remembering that that evil bitch is just me.

It has to stop.

I also am going to quit smoking! I have smoked for a very long time. I like it. I have never been concerned about the health issues that it causes. Even when watching my mother dying of cancer, I still loved smoking.

I have recently finished a course of Champix tablets to help me quit. They work pretty well. I successfully stopped smoking for about a month. But then my evil twin came out and fucked that up too. Today woke up to an almost full packet of cigarettes that I don’t remember buying. I smoked one. Then I did something that shocked even me… I ran them under a tap till they where dripping, then threw them in the bin.

I will not let myself go backwards any more!

My family and friends deserve the best possible version of me. I deserve the best possible version of me!

This is where I start!