So Saturday I had a slip. I was going to just have a drink or two and of course that ended up with me drinking way more than I should. I felt so bad on Sunday because I had drank that I drank again to make myself feel better….
Yeah cause that always works.
So now I am angry and depressed and I just want to drink again to make myself feel better.
Fuck this stupid cycle.
I may only be 3 days into sobriety but I am struggling.
I used to wake up, and within 15 mins I would have most of my day planned out and within half hour of that I would have started on the list of things I had in my head. I would use alcohol as a motivational tool most days. Tell myself that once certain jobs where done I could have a drink. Now, without the reward of a nice cold beer, I just cant seem to get anything done.
Today I got up and made my mental list of things that need doing… then I sat down and haven’t gotten back up. Without my little reward system I just don’t seem to care enough that the floors need a vacuum and the window sills need dusting.
I thought briefly that I might bake some cookies once its all done, as a replacement reward, but then I just started thinking about the mess that would make and that I would have to clean that up as well.
I think staying sober is going to be a lot harder than I thought it would be. It goes beyond just not drinking. It seems to be a greater part of my life than even I had recognised.
Perhaps I will just go back to bed.
So today I am starting over.
I need to make some changes in my life so that I can be better. A better friend, partner and most of all a better parent. I don’t even recognise the person I have been over the last year or so. I need to find me again.
I have to still be in there somewhere right?
I really hope so. I am hoping that if I take away all the bad habits and vices that I will become a person that I am not ashamed of. A person that others will be happy to call friend. A person that doesn’t need to apologise constantly for the stupid things she does.
So here it is. This is where I start.
First I will stop drinking. I turn into a completely different person when I drink and I really don’t like her. I refer to that person as my evil twin as it seems her sole purpose is to fuck with my life.
I don’t know if I am an alcoholic but I do know that I am definitely in a fast car heading towards that neighbourhood and it scares the shit out of me. I can not just have one or two quiet beers, it always turns into waking up the next day with very little recollection of the night before. That in itself is a terrible feeling, but then the memories start to creep in and that just makes it so much worse. Remembering the things my evil twin did or said. Then remembering that that evil bitch is just me.
It has to stop.
I also am going to quit smoking! I have smoked for a very long time. I like it. I have never been concerned about the health issues that it causes. Even when watching my mother dying of cancer, I still loved smoking.
I have recently finished a course of Champix tablets to help me quit. They work pretty well. I successfully stopped smoking for about a month. But then my evil twin came out and fucked that up too. Today woke up to an almost full packet of cigarettes that I don’t remember buying. I smoked one. Then I did something that shocked even me… I ran them under a tap till they where dripping, then threw them in the bin.
I will not let myself go backwards any more!
My family and friends deserve the best possible version of me. I deserve the best possible version of me!
This is where I start!