So where to from here?

When I started this blog I had the intent to share my experiences with depression and anxiety, the good days and the bad. I had hoped to gain some kind of understanding of my issues by putting them into words and to maybe help someone else realise that its not just them.

Now I am just lost. Some things have changed for the better, some have stayed the same but along the way I have also come to realise that I have way more problems than I first thought.

I no longer see my therapist. Partly because I moved over an hours drive away but mostly because I hated going. It seemed to just be another thing I wasn’t good at. And now that I see that written down I can see how strange it sounds. I would tell my partner that I didn’t want to go to my appointments because I wasn’t good at it and he would look at me like I was speaking a different language.

My anxiety has gotten better in most cases. I can now go about my day without being crippled by irrational fears. I think moving last year had a lot to do with that. I no longer think my house is going to kill me. But I still have a lot of social anxiety.

As for the depression, it all just depends on the day. Some days I am fine. Some days it’s hard but I can pretend I’m ok. But I still have the days where I just cant get out of bed. I think that is just something I will always have to deal with. I have accepted that as fact.

I have stopped taking the medication! This was a big step for me, and a long process. They never tell you how hard it is to get off the pills when they are prescribing them. It took me almost 6 months to wean myself off them. Even with the gradual reduction, the first 4 days without them was terrible. I couldn’t sleep or eat. I just lay in bed and stared at the celling. I couldn’t focus on anything for more than a few seconds, not even my own thoughts. Someone would ask me if I wanted something to eat and it would take me about 5 minuets to gather my thoughts enough to tell them “no”.

So where to from here?

I have now set myself 2 goals. To quit drinking and quit smoking. I will now share my experiences with these as well as the struggles of living with depression and anxiety.

I just had a cigarette, so that one is not looking so good. But I haven’t had a drink in almost 2 days.

Fingers crossed ūüôā

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Guttless

So my therapist asked me today if I was happy to continue seeing her or if I would like to stop and find someone else. This is the out I have been looking for.

I have been so afraid of telling her I want to stop. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I didn’t want to seem ungrateful. I didn’t want to say the words out loud.

And here she just hands it to me on a silver platter. All I had to do was open my mouth and say something. My brain was screaming, telling me to say thank you, say yes I would like to stop, say ANYTHING!!!

I just continued to stare at my feet and shrugged my shoulders.

I don’t know why I couldn’t say anything.

Therapy… I’m doing it wrong!

I have just returned from my appointment with my therapist. I am more on edge now than I was before I went. It happens every single time. Surely she has better things to do than to watch me pick at my nails, stare at my shoes and feel extremely uncomfortable for an hour. 

I thought I would share with you a (sort of) transcript of¬†today’s¬†session¬†so you could see what I mean.

Enter room sit down

Therapist : So how have you been?

Me : Fine and you?

Therapist : Good thanks, and how has your anxiety been since our last session?

Me : Pretty average

Therapist : And your mood? Have you been experiencing more or less depression?

Me : About the same

Stare at my shoes…. Pick at my nails… 10 minutes pass

Therapist : You seem anxious. Are you feeling anxious right now?

Me : Yep

Look awkwardly around the room,¬†don’t¬†make eye contact.

Therapist : So how have things been in general?

Me : Pretty average.

Therapist : So not much going on? No more or less stress?

Me : Nah.

Pick at nails, prey for time to hurry up… 20 uncomfortable minutes pass

Therapist : So is there anything you wanted to talk about today?

Me : Nope.

Therapist types on her keyboard for what seems like a lifetime

Therapist : So if there was nothing else you wanted to talk about today I will make a new appointment for you for the same time next week?

Me : OK.

 

And¬†that’s¬†it. That conversation took place over a 45 minute period.¬†

I know I just need to nut up and tell her I¬†don’t¬†want to continue seeing her, but for some reason I can’t bring myself to do it.¬†

Triggers and Ways of Coping

My day yesterday started off just like any other day. I did the same things I always do. Got my son ready for school, let the dogs out, put on some laundry. I had no more or less stress than I have had for a couple of weeks now. (Money problems mostly) But while going through my usual morning routine I was suddenly paralyzed by a severe panic attack.

My heart raced, I started to sweat (on the first day of winter), my whole body shook and then the tears started to flow.

After about 20 minuets I was able to move again. I had been standing in the hallway, just stuck. I don’t know what triggered it or what snapped me out of it.¬†Thinking back, I am at a loss to explain any of it.

I have had many people tell me many different things about MY panic attacks. Here are some of the things I have been told trigger my attacks and why they either make sense or don’t.

My GP says it’s a build up of stress that just needs to be vented… This could be the case. I have always been the type of person that bottles things up and never asks for help.

Current Physiologist says they are caused by a suppressed memory trying to come to the surface and its my minds way of pushing it back down cause I don’t want to know… This also could be it but it does not really help explain what triggers it or how to deal with it when it does happen.

My BF thinks it just that I have been strong for too long and my mind is just to tired to pretend anymore… but he’s just trying to justify having a girlfriend who is bat shit crazy.

My son (11 yrs old) says that it is my dead mother trying to get in touch with me… lol he’s a bit cute. Strange, but cute.

Everything I have read online is different. Some sites say its stress, others say its fear or excitement. And some say its caffeine and horror movies that can cause panic attacks.

So I thought I would ask for your thoughts. Leave me a comment and let me know what triggers your attacks and if you have any special ways of coping with them. I am very interested to see if there is a link or if it is personalized to each individual. Thanks.