I think I need a hobby

I think I need a hobby.

People still have those right?

I think I need something that I can dedicate my time to. Something that will keep my hands and my mind busy. The problem is … I don’t really like anything.

I liked drinking, and I was really good at it, but I am told that was not a hobby.

I like music, but not enough to want to make it. I have zero artistic ability in terms of painting or sculpting. I do not like being outside because of the sunlight and my very pale skin, so that rules out gardening or some type of sport. I am a pretty good cook, but I don’t see that as a hobby, its just a way to feed my family.

I don’t really know what is left.

I like to write. But I cant make 50+ blog posts everyday. I started writing a novel once but got bored after about 5 thousand words and just gave up.

What hobby’s / activities do you participate in ? Are they time consuming? Do they require any special skills?

Thoughts

I feel all out of sorts today. Cant seem to keep my thoughts in my head long enough to do anything. Its taken me half an hour just to get anything on the page.

Yesterday I was hungover and laying in bed all day so my thoughts where slower and simpler.

I know what would fix it. But that’s not going to help.

Think I should just go back to bed before I do something I may regret.

Ramble

I have too many thoughts today. I have been trying for the last hour to get just one of them out at a time. Sadly I have had no luck. Everything I write seems to be a giant mess of thoughts and feelings but with nothing to tie them together other than my crazy. 

Top of the list of rapidly random brain farts is the never ending list of things I have to do before my sons birthday on Sunday. My partner and I do not celebrate our own birthdays, just out of a lack of interest, but we try to go all out for our son cause you’re only a kid once. 

Then there is the ever building pile of bills that, no matter how hard we try, we just can’t seem to get on top of.

I also have my partners family who are so bored in there own lives that they try to cause drama in ours. My partners mother told him the other day that he “never got a paternity test and doesn’t know for sure that the kid is his so he should just bail and enjoy life”. It’s been 12 years and they have been trying to tell him to leave us for that whole time. He knows the boy is his but it still gets under my skin an makes me super fucking angry.

Then there is always my favorite fear that I will have to be “the grown up”. My partner has just recently been switched to night shift. When ever I am the only adult in the house at night my anxiety is tripled. What if something goes wrong and I am the only one here to deal with it? What if I do something wrong and make things worse..? I am 33 years old, I should have a grasp on being a grown up by now but I am so afraid that bad shit is gonna go down that I hardly sleep the nights he is away.

And this is just a taste of the madness in my head today. There are too many things to think about. I can slow it down long enough to obsess on one thing for a minuet or two before they starts skipping madly though my brain again.

It’s times like these that I wish I still smoked weed. I haven’t touched it since I was around 18 or so. Just remembering the way it slowed and turned down the volume of the thought race in my head makes me want to say “fuck it! Lets smoke a bowl”. Maybe if I wasn’t a parent I would but I don’t want to be the “do as I say and not as I do” parent. 

Anyway… 

Time I Can’t Get Back

I sit here thinking of all the time that I have just sat here and it just adds to the depression.

Over the last year I have wasted so much time doing nothing. I stare at Facebook, I play the first 5 mins of a show or movie then turn it off, I look at pretty houses for sale on the real estate sites that I will never be able to afford. It’s all just a giant waste of time.

I had started writing again. Got about 90 pages into the novel I have always wanted to write. Then I just stopped. Not because the ideas were not there but just because.

I look at the half painted wall in my living room and say I am going to finish that tomorrow. But I never do.

I walk past the spare room full of junk and think, I am going to organize that room tomorrow. But I never do.

I dont know if it is the depression making me lazy or the fact that I am lazy that is making me depressed.

Therapy… I’m doing it wrong!

I have just returned from my appointment with my therapist. I am more on edge now than I was before I went. It happens every single time. Surely she has better things to do than to watch me pick at my nails, stare at my shoes and feel extremely uncomfortable for an hour. 

I thought I would share with you a (sort of) transcript of today’s session so you could see what I mean.

Enter room sit down

Therapist : So how have you been?

Me : Fine and you?

Therapist : Good thanks, and how has your anxiety been since our last session?

Me : Pretty average

Therapist : And your mood? Have you been experiencing more or less depression?

Me : About the same

Stare at my shoes…. Pick at my nails… 10 minutes pass

Therapist : You seem anxious. Are you feeling anxious right now?

Me : Yep

Look awkwardly around the room, don’t make eye contact.

Therapist : So how have things been in general?

Me : Pretty average.

Therapist : So not much going on? No more or less stress?

Me : Nah.

Pick at nails, prey for time to hurry up… 20 uncomfortable minutes pass

Therapist : So is there anything you wanted to talk about today?

Me : Nope.

Therapist types on her keyboard for what seems like a lifetime

Therapist : So if there was nothing else you wanted to talk about today I will make a new appointment for you for the same time next week?

Me : OK.

 

And that’s it. That conversation took place over a 45 minute period. 

I know I just need to nut up and tell her I don’t want to continue seeing her, but for some reason I can’t bring myself to do it. 

So Here’s the Thing…

I don’t know if I am better or worse while medicated. Obviously there are pro’s and con’s to both sides, but the main thing I keep thinking is that I could have really good days when I wasn’t popping pills but the best I can do while dosed up is have an “OK” day.

I know that Lexapro is an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) and I think that means that it stabilizes the chemicals in my brain that control moods so that I don’t feel so depressed. But it also stops me from feeling good. So I am just walking around all day feeling neither happy or sad. I am just stuck in a perpetual state or “meh”.

Before I started taking them I would have days where I would randomly sing and make up silly songs to amuse my son (and myself) and we would do fun things, silly things, new things. Hell I remember a day, while home alone, I sang a 5 minuet song about the lunch I was making. There were a lot of bad times too but I mostly remember the good times.

Now I feel like I am stuck in neutral and I can’t seem to find first gear. Nothing is fun, nothing is exciting, it all just… is.

I am not having as much anxiety or as many panic attacks as I used to, so I guess that’s a good thing. But I don’t really feel as though I am living so I don’t really see the point.

My GP said I shouldn’t drink while on these meds because together it can cause blackouts (and boy does it), but that seems to be the only way I can get my mood up a gear.

I just don’t know ?

Triggers and Ways of Coping

My day yesterday started off just like any other day. I did the same things I always do. Got my son ready for school, let the dogs out, put on some laundry. I had no more or less stress than I have had for a couple of weeks now. (Money problems mostly) But while going through my usual morning routine I was suddenly paralyzed by a severe panic attack.

My heart raced, I started to sweat (on the first day of winter), my whole body shook and then the tears started to flow.

After about 20 minuets I was able to move again. I had been standing in the hallway, just stuck. I don’t know what triggered it or what snapped me out of it. Thinking back, I am at a loss to explain any of it.

I have had many people tell me many different things about MY panic attacks. Here are some of the things I have been told trigger my attacks and why they either make sense or don’t.

My GP says it’s a build up of stress that just needs to be vented… This could be the case. I have always been the type of person that bottles things up and never asks for help.

Current Physiologist says they are caused by a suppressed memory trying to come to the surface and its my minds way of pushing it back down cause I don’t want to know… This also could be it but it does not really help explain what triggers it or how to deal with it when it does happen.

My BF thinks it just that I have been strong for too long and my mind is just to tired to pretend anymore… but he’s just trying to justify having a girlfriend who is bat shit crazy.

My son (11 yrs old) says that it is my dead mother trying to get in touch with me… lol he’s a bit cute. Strange, but cute.

Everything I have read online is different. Some sites say its stress, others say its fear or excitement. And some say its caffeine and horror movies that can cause panic attacks.

So I thought I would ask for your thoughts. Leave me a comment and let me know what triggers your attacks and if you have any special ways of coping with them. I am very interested to see if there is a link or if it is personalized to each individual. Thanks.